I’m thinking … there are somethings which can only be expressed in English.
Like what has happened to me.
You seem to see these feelings, these terms, these hesitations and these misunderstandings articulated in this language many times.
Enough of prelude …
Over the past week, I was feeling so weired. As if something had changed in me which I couldn’t understand how. It was so smooth, so calm and so amazingly fitting.
One night, for the first time I was very angry when I was going to sleep and to my own surprise, perfectly fine the night after. It seemed everything was over. Everything I was tolerating over the past months. All the hassle was gone. The first night I felt like this, told myself: hold on, don’t judge soon. It’s probably gonna be more stable or back exactly as fast as it disappreared. But I couldn’t deny I was happy and so proud of myself. And didn’t try to figure out why I felt like this, because I knew what had happened although it sounded nothing had changed. Every situation was the same, but I couldn’t stand the SAME anymore.
This wasn’t supposed to happen in one night. This had to take months. I hadn’t decided for anything, I didn’t want anything to alter. And I knew even if I had intentions for a change, it would take like months. I didn’t expect it to be this fast and this much relaxing.
I am proud of myself, so proud. I handled everything very well, I was always me, I didn’t play, I was nice, passionate and hopeful, I took responsibility for everything I did, and, now It seems I finished everything peacefully cause I don’t have enough reasons to disregard many things anymore. There is nothing to regret, but I prefer to be relaxed. I don’t even feel pity. What’s wrong with me all of a sudden?
Tonight, on my way back home, I saw David and gave him a ride. He offered me to have ice cream with him. I thanked and refused because I wanted to go back home. I didn’t wanna waste time talking nonsense to people. I wanted to lie down on my couch and write, to watch Hamoon, or even to read my unfinished book. He is a nice guy, but I don’t know why I suddenly felt like months ago when I used to see more people as ineffectual. The ones who really don’t know what to do, who are up for any occasion, who are talking about nonsense stuff and who don’t really respect themselves. The people whom I don’t appreciate wholeheartedly. And that was the time I really confirmed something is actually going to change.
Anyway,
I guess the case is dismissed.
